"It's crazy to get paid a nanny's salary for caring for your own kid.". So now I'm the sole breadwinner. Even the title "stay at home dad" has negative connotations. This forum is for dads to discuss and seek support for the lifestyle of stay-at-home parenting. I posted on Reddit because I wanted a different perspective – and you gave me just that. This has been indispensable during the lockdown. Dont expect him to "just know" what is expected of him. He can do it! You can get advice on potty training, talk about breastfeeding, discuss how to get your baby to sleep or ask if that one weird thing your kid does is normal. Sometimes life just hands you decisions- not everything can be thought out. Perhaps when you suggest that he be more active in finding a job, you're reminding his sub-consciousness of the fact that he got fired and is currently unemployed, and is not fulfilling the societal expectations of a man to be the breadwinner (stupid as they are). This whole time I am always naked at home as my husband has insisted. I want to address a few things you mentioned: Thank you again for your insightful comment! I do get bummed that I was the expert at everything with my daughter when I left to go back to work, but slowly things change and he's the one that knows what to try if she doesn't want to nap or how to get her to eat when he's being picky. And I'm definitely not a fan of the "tactical baby gear" which is just overpriced crap praying on machismo. A place for sharing the for-better and for-worse of marriage. So it was important to involve her. Some readers agreed she should be entitled to some sort of salary for being a stay-at-home mum. The anonymous stay-at-home mother, from America, took to Reddit to ask whether it was inappropriate to ask her husband for pocket money for 'fun things'. 'I want my damn respect': Record-breaking LeBron leads Lakers to NBA title. Your husband has a safety net. I so hope it's like that! Now I don't look like I'm kidnapping a kid when I drag a screaming toddler out of a store. However, I feel like he could be doing more house chores. He needs to know that his job is to keep the child alive. Resenting the situation helps no one. Duty sheets that are realistic to what can be done while minding a baby. They should be putting in the equivalent amount of hours as the working spose. Press J to jump to the feed. I dont want to come across as nagging or insensitive to his situation. Well now that I stay at home we have mini fights every time I want to buy anything over $150 (which is the limit he set that needs a "conversation"). Make sure he listens to your concerns and emotions. Its the first thing people ask when they meet you. "My husband earns good money but he's very frugal about non-essential spending because he wants to be financially independent (no job, earnings from investments) at an early age," she wrote. I also bought some nice flannel shirts and new, nice looking t shirts. Plus who doesn't love goldfish and Graham crackers? Everything beyond that is split. I'm not sure here's really "looking" either. A stay-at-home mum has been slammed for asking her husband to pay her a monthly "salary". The dog hair in my house is constant (We have two)! And I'm sure if the shoe was on the other foot, I'd be expected to do both. I’ve heard of many dads being isolated and shut out by mom groups, but we haven’t had that experience. Also, the only way we've been able to maintain this financial tightrope is because I had to take on more responsibilities at work (which has led to a slight increase in pay) and I also have a photography business which I manage on the weekends and week nights, aside from my full time 9-5. Stay at home as opposed to what? But if I wanted a truck, a wagon, a turbo, whatever fit the budget, I could have it. He was working out, spending time on hobbies, and really started spending time with my daughter. It is fun to be the parent that the kids are excited to be (for years it was their dad because he was the one working). How do I approach the topic about doing more house chores without sounding like a dictator? Knowing that these potential challenges are out there, and being ready to deal with them, is key to being content in the role. And I don't know why. I think it will take time for him to adjust. Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts. Others criticized her and accused her of being selfish. That's it. I can't imagine what he is going through. Also, it's worth mentioning that you may need to adjust too. Work is how men define themselves. We also tried having our friends wife watching our youngest (5 yo) while my fiance worked part time but it so wasn't worth it. I'm a car guy. Photo / Getty Images. When I started my stay-at-home mom journey, our home felt imbalanced and just a little bit off. Our brains suck. Basically, remind him that its not personal, and that every day is a new day. Recently a stay-at-home mom who is frustrated by her husband's frugal ways took to Reddit to ask the online community if she was out of line by considering asking her husband to pay her a salary for all the work she does at home? :D. Now we are both back at work 4 days a week, meaning kiddo goes to daycare 3 days a week and we each get a day of one-on-one time with him. My partner feels the same - I think we are lucky because we both enjoy our jobs and earn about the same. It's a full time job that will drain every bit out of him. This might be helpful for when your children are older and can be added into the mix. You're absolutely right! He spends so little on himself that it seems like to him that I'm the one spending all the money on myself every month.". I would prefer he find a job, so the pressure of being the sole breadwinner in a very expensive state doesn't fall on me. He will also have to deal with stereotypes, many of which are negative. From Debtor to Better: The Details of Debt and How to Get Out. She interacts with our son in a different way to me, and I've had to be good about not insisting things are done the way I do them. Honestly, it was totally fine. Yeah, we're that easy to manipulate, but you probably knew that already. We promise to keep your information safe. It also helps you get a view of what each person has on their plate...since we always feel like we're doing more than our spouse...right? A big one for me is this: When I am frustrated, I have to remind myself that even though my child's actions are what frustrated me, she didn't do it for that reason. Most employers are legally obliged to at least consider reduced hours - and even if your husband can't stay in his current profession/job part-time, it might be worth it to his self-esteem to work a few days a week too if he's worried he might find staying at home for the next few years overwhelming. He might not know he's dealing with some sort of depression. In the morning pick one task that that gets done before lunch, and one after. There is no slack there. ", "Essentially she gets 'paid' a few thousand every month to spend on whatever she wants.". Until about a month and a half ago me(f22) and my husband (m26) both worked and my daughter(2) went to daycare. New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. In fact, a strong majority of other parents express their desire to have the arrangement that my wife and I have. The rule is, as soon as I get home I am to fully undress and I do. Privacy Policy. If he is going to stay home, he needs to take on the responibilities of a stay at home spouse. The only thing was that my husband found it to be very lonely. Sorry, this post was deleted by the person who originally posted it. You can't be happy with others if you're not happy with yourself. I feel like that would be the same for us, we just don't have any family support and as childcare costs are so high it makes more sense for him to either drop work or go part time, we're still figuring out which will be best, in the meantime we're doing shared parental leave. Here's what she wrote on Reddit: "I've been a stay at home spouse/mom for about 3 years now and it was fine before the baby. God bless San Diego county for reopening parks. When I quit my job to stay at home, the weight of the world had just been placed on my husband’s shoulders. Society teaches men to be manly, then when he does exactly what he is taught he is apparently the stupid one. Yeah i will have to start giving him that time before I bring up that discussion. But if we're being honest, I think it has less to do with what's best for our son and more about him enjoying this time off to explore his passions (aka the lawn!) "I've been talking to my sister who's also a stay-at-home mum and she says her and her husband have an agreement where she's 'paid' for childcare/homekeeping. You're basically asking for a stay-at-home nanny's entire salary as play money. "She's sacrificing too: job prospects, independence, security, personal retirement, so he can have the life he wants," wrote one user. That's wonderful if both parents came to that decision together and discussed the sacrifices that would need to be made in order to sustain a one- income household. I was tired of being unhappy and I was doing this for me. Would you mind being a stay-at-home husband/homemaker? But they feel this insane societal pressure to conform to old standards. Especially because he is fairly traditional in how he just doesn't show emotions easily and feels that he needs to be "manly". Teens With Internet Gaming Disorder Won't Develop Psychiatric Disorders. It’ll happen eventually.he’s going through a lot right now, and the relationship you have could easily be damaged. One working-mom-to-be, who goes by WoahBabay on Reddit, sought advice for best supporting her husband, a soon to be stay-at-home-father.